A Walk Through the Valley

I have decided to do my study going through the Old Testament chronologically - I figure that way I follow everything in the order it happened.  Of course, as I’m sure you can guess, this means I will be starting in the book of Genesis.  During my chronological reading I plan to stop off and go a little more in depth with a few character studies - like Job, for instance, I would like to spend a lot of time there.  And I also want to get deeper into the book of Esther and then there are a few more… Once I get to the New Testament I plan to read straight through (leaving room for God to lead me, of course).

So, I guess I better get started!

I’m going to take on a monumental task.  I have never read the entire Bible - I have decided it is time.  I won’t read from beginning to end because I don’t think that is the best approach, rather I plan to follow an outline based on time periods and character studies that I think will work better.

Have any of you actually read the entire Bible?  It will probably take quite some time as while I read I want to also absorb all that God is telling me, but I think it is going to be a great adventure!

I was doing a devotional last night and the following passage was the Scripture for study:

2 Kings 4:1-7

 1 The wife of a man from the company of the prophets cried out to Elisha, “Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that he revered the LORD. But now his creditor is coming to take my two boys as his slaves.”

 2 Elisha replied to her, “How can I help you? Tell me, what do you have in your house?”
      ”Your servant has nothing there at all,” she said, “except a little oil.”

 3 Elisha said, “Go around and ask all your neighbors for empty jars. Don’t ask for just a few. 4 Then go inside and shut the door behind you and your sons. Pour oil into all the jars, and as each is filled, put it to one side.”

 5 She left him and afterward shut the door behind her and her sons. They brought the jars to her and she kept pouring. 6 When all the jars were full, she said to her son, “Bring me another one.”
      But he replied, “There is not a jar left.” Then the oil stopped flowing.

 7 She went and told the man of God, and he said, “Go, sell the oil and pay your debts. You and your sons can live on what is left.”

The devotional I was doing used this passage to show how God is indeed a Provider, but as I was reading it what I took away was something else of equal importance - the woman was faithful.  She could have questioned the logic in filling jars with oil when she herself had so little to give, but she didn’t.  Rather than use her own head and what she knew and insist there wasn’t enough she went and did what she was told out of faithful obedience.  She didn’t question it, she just did it.  She had little and her faith led to having much.

It makes me think of my life and the things that I think and do and how there have been so many times that clearly God was calling me to do something and I knew it in every fiber of my being yet I stopped and argued with Him over it - God, I am not good enough, I am not strong enough, I am not smart enough, I am not knowledgeable enough, etc… God wouldn’t tell me to do something if He didn’t believe I could do it.  He wouldn’t have me do anything that He didn’t know would work out - God knows what He is doing and out of faithful obedience, just like the woman in this passage, I should follow and do as He says.  Why question perfection?  God knows what He is doing and I am just a mere human - I may think I don’t have much to offer, but God believes otherwise and when I hear Him telling me so I need to listen.

I was listening to a pastor yesterday who said, “A Christian who doesn’t go to church is like a sailor who doesn’t go to sea.”  What do you think of that statement?  Do you agree or disagree and why?

So, I never really thought about what I was posting as me struggling until many of you brought that up in comments and email.  Am I struggling?  I guess so.  I guess we all do from time to time.  I guess that is reality.  Life isn’t peaches and cream - and quite frankly I don’t like roses so I really don’t ever stop to smell them.  Seriously, I trimmed the rose bushes in front of my house right down to the ground - super trim!

Struggling - yeah, I think the walk is on bumpy ground right now.  There has been way too much stress in my life the past couple of months.  I need to chill out.  I have felt attacked constantly and I guess it has taken its toll.  I know this is when one has to draw nearer to God, I openly admit that I have done the opposite.  Someone said the only thing I need to be responsible for on this blog is staying true to what my header says so here it is - getting real about my faith - I still have faith, it will never leave me.  I am nothing without God, but recently I have pushed Him away.  I recognize it now.  I think posting about my recent feelings and reading your responses has helped me to recognize it.  I think I have been reacting to a lot in my life and my reacting has been so negative that I have forgotten to look at the positive… And I think I have forgotten to give it all to Him.  Ok, I don’t think, I know.

I’m working on it.

Someone said my words here “make a huge impact” - I guess I am just wondering who am I to make that impact?  Does anyone else ever feel like that?

I feel such a sense of responsibility about what I write here when I read things like that - like what if I write the wrong thing?  If I have an impact on someone’s life then what if I write the wrong thing?  This is what makes me wonder about whether or not to continue - any form of public speaking/writing about God is a form of ministering - we teach and people listen - what if I say the wrong thing?  I am not a scholar.  Truth be told, I don’t want to be a scholar.  I am not interested in what the Greek says verses what the Hebrew says verses the Aramaic.  I am not one to cross reference fifty different verses to lead to a conclusion.  I have a simple faith.  I read, I believe, I tell it how I see it - but what if that isn’t enough?

Sometimes I look at other people’s blogs where they are clearly ministering and I just feel so pathetic - so stupid - so, well, uneducated in all things Spiritual.  I then come back here and I just don’t know what to say.  When I write I just go off the top of my head - whatever comes to me just comes and sometimes it is like my fingers take over and I am not even the one writing anymore.  In a book I am reading they say that the Spirit can lead you this way - is that what is going on?  Or am I just zoning out?

Seriously, sisters, do you think I am a little crazy here?  What is going on in my head?  I don’t even know.

Hazel, I won’t close the blog, I just don’t know which direction to take it.  Maybe it isn’t suppose to have a direction - maybe writing off the top of my head is my gift?  I just don’t know.

Do you agree with me that even a blog is a ministering platform when it affects people?  Somehow I don’t feel worthy to have an effect on people… Why do I always go through this?  Seriously, I am always feeling this way.  There was a time when I didn’t feel this way, but then it changed and I don’t know why.

A while back I deleted this whole blog and decided I would start it over.  That was going well, except now I feel I am right back in the same spot I was in before and I don’t know which direction to take it in.  I don’t feel God leading me to “minister” through this blog and I like to more just use it as a chronicle of my walk with Him, but the thing is, when you are out in the world (be it on the Internet or elsewhere) and you are writing or talking about God you will be ministering - people will be listening and learning from what you say.  So that has left me in a place of deep thought and prayer trying to figure out if it is really the place for me.  I have been debating whether I should just use a paper journal to write my spiritual thoughts on instead of the blogging platform - I just don’t know.  In time I am sure the Father will reveal what I am to do, but for now I am taking a break from here.  I stop by every day and stare at the screen and wonder if I should post my thoughts and then I stop because I just don’t know if it is my place right now - is that God or is that the enemy???  How does one ever know?  I don’t feel the Lord has given me a definitive answer yet as to whether or not I should keep going on this blog.  I just don’t know… So, I am going to sit still, wait, and listen.